We’re looking at the “bath tub” model for resource management in class today. I recall being asked “What fills my bucket” at the start of the program. In that original bucket I identified mostly Greek and Neitcchian philosophical ideologies. I wrote something pretentious about how self mastery, and achieving my true self as I walked the tight rope across the abyss. Do I still think that?
In short, yes! Improving on a skill and seeing myself grow for the better has been filling my bucket this year, but it’s taken very different forms than I had theoretically saw it.
The first piece of evidence is my journal. I started journaling as a means to process my the overbearing weight of my thoughts, and keep my mind grounded and focused to tasks. In the first four months of the program, I opened up and wrote everything. Literally everything. We were encouraged to write observations and take notes but I dumped EVERYTHING. I noticed at the end of the term that all the good thoughts were separated by a disgusting amount of dark, and unwelcome criticism for myself as well as others around me. Recognizing how awful I felt re-reading these messages, emphasized how painful it was to think them the first time around. In my journal more recently, the narrative is much softer and there are fewer criticisms and more praises.
A second piece of evidence is my relationship with my wife. In recent months our relationship has strained with the distance between us during the Vanderhoof practicum. We’re closer than ever since my return. I’m much more attentive to what I can do in our relationship. I also see the strain in life that accompanies her from my absence. By habit now she currently does the shopping, the cooking and the cleaning. I have to be proactive (and quick!) to accomplish these tasks before her habits accomplish them first. It’s specifically my focus on our relationship’s well being, and my ability to make actions to improve her (and therefore our) life, that I’m recognizing as growth.
It’s clear that I am filling my bucket with self mastery, but it’s also clear that the connections I form with my wife, and myself fill my bucket. In the next article I will discuss what fills my bucket in the classroom, and follow up with a community resource.
